In Pastor Kong Hee’s messages over the last two years, he has constantly encouraged the church to strive for “zero anger”. What does zero anger look like? How is it possible to attain? City News puts the question to two pastors in City Harvest Church: Pastor Lin Junxian, a lecturer at the School of Theology and Pastor Audrey Ng, who heads the church’s counselling ministry.
In his recent sermon, “Love In The Holy Spirit”, senior pastor Kong Hee emphasised the three things a Christian must seek to maintain in order not to grieve the Holy Spirit: zero anger, zero gossip, and zero resentment.
Pastor Kong Hee preached about having zero anger on the weekend of 5-6 March
What does zero anger look like? Is it possible for a person to have zero anger, without bottling up his feelings or shutting down emotionally? What about what the Bible says in Ephesians 4:26, “Be angry but do not sin”?
“There is a need for us to express our human feelings in order to maintain a healthy emotional life,” says Pastor Lin Junxian. “Under certain circumstances, we can feel angry, especially in the case of an injustice or mistreatment. These are certainly legitimate emotions we experience from time to time. This brings to mind the universal thought on the five stages of grief, developed by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, where one of the distinct stages of grief is anger before one can reach acceptance.”
Pastor Junxian explains that what Pastor Kong was saying was not to deny the feeling of anger when it arises, but “to come to the place where we can obey the words of Jesus in Matthew 5:22 (NIV)—‘But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment.’”
He admits, “This is a very hard saying! From as early as the 2nd century, Christian translators sought to soften this statement by adding the phrase ‘without cause’, a reading that has been retained by both the King James and the New King James translations. However, this phrase ‘without cause’ is not found in the original Greek, which means, Jesus did not qualify that what is unacceptable is ‘anger without cause’ but anger itself. He was commanding us not be angry! Hence, Pastor Kong’s exhortation to us to aim for zero anger. I believe what Jesus was saying here is this: Do not be easily irritated or aroused by others to anger; do not let anger be the default reaction in our interactions with others; do not harbour anger. This negative anger is a work of the flesh and can lead us to ‘fixed anger’ against another person.”
Pastor Junxian emphasises that Jesus’ statement in Matthew 5:22 is to be read in context. “He spoke of calling one’s brother raca or a fool—both terms were used in a derogatory manner. Jesus never expressed his anger that way. His anger was always well-controlled, precisely targeted and short-lived. His anger was not an instant reaction to provocation. He knew how to be indignant and even confrontational, but He was always without any contempt, insult, or abuse. The high standards that Jesus sets for us are the standards He lived up to Himself. The way Jesus handled His anger still provides a model for Christians today.”
It is important to note that, as Ephesians 4:26 reveals, anger in and of itself may not be a sin. “However, when left unchecked, anger easily leads us to sin,” Pastor Junxian explains. “Frequent and uncontrolled anger break relationships and fellowship in the church. If we do become angry, easily and frequently, we should deal with the anger at its root quickly and promptly put it out of our lives.”
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels
The pastor likens this situation to having phlegm. “When we have phlegm in our chest, we need to quickly expel it out. If we harbour prolonged phlegm in our chest, we may develop a more serious condition in our body. Likewise, if we hold on to anger, we run the risk of allowing ‘the root of bitterness’ (Heb. 12:15) and resentment to grow in our hearts, providing the devil with a foothold into our lives (Eph. 4:26-27).”
Biblically, how can one achieve this state of dispelling anger and not letting it stay in our lives? “By constantly surrendering to the Holy Spirit,” Pastor Junxian replies. “When you do that, you develop the fruits of gentleness and self-control (Gal. 5:23), that is, you come to a place where you are not easily triggered at all. Proverbs 15:1 (NLT) tells us, ‘A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.’ May the Holy Spirit put in us the desire to grow to be more Christlike and give us the wisdom to ‘deflect’ anger with gentle answers in our daily living.”
In short, the biblical way to address angry reactions is not to deny angry feelings, but to always choose to live in an atmosphere of love and forgiveness in the Holy Spirit, instead of “pulling the trigger” whenever we are irritated.
PRACTICAL ADVICE FOR DEALING WITH ANGER
We posed two real-life questions to Pastor Audrey Ng who shares how we can take active steps towards zero anger.
Q: I am angry with my children for disobeying me. I know they need to learn their lesson. But at the same time, I recognise the importance of having zero anger. What should I do?
A: To move forward with “zero anger”, there is a need to first identify the trigger for your anger. Most of the time, anger is a result of underlying issues such as stress, anxiety, and family problems.
When we lose control and vent our anger in front of our children, what we are communicating is “There are no grown-ups here at home.” This can be interpreted as you, a parent, being unable to manage your annoyance and anxiety.
When you try to manage your child’s behaviour instead of your irritation or anxiety, what you are conveying is, “I’m out of control. I need you to change so that I can feel better.”
We get upset when our kids don’t listen and they don’t comply with what we want them to do. Here are five things that can help.
1. It is important to identify the trigger: Why and what I am angry about? Then make it a point to stay calm and be in control of your own emotions. This may not come easy, but if necessary, give yourself a moment to do whatever it is to get you calm. Realise that do you not have to react to your child.
When your child pushes your buttons, he/she is testing his/her limits. Thus, do not take it personally. Compose yourself and know that your child is held accountable for his/her own reactions.
In the 2022 Disney movie Turning Red, when Ming fails to control her temper at her daughter Meilin, she literally transforms
2. As a parent, you need to know what you are and are not responsible for. Stay aware of what belongs to you and what belongs to your child. Think of it like a box of thoughts, feelings and responsibilities: you can identify what inside the box belongs to you, and what belongs to your child. Once you know whose box is whose, then parents should stay in their own box and stay out of their child’s box. This doesn’t imply that you do not parent him, it just means you influence your child but you do not control him.
Stress often occurs when the parent thinks they are responsible for how things turn out.
A parent who successfully stays out of her child’s box would say the following to her child: “I’m responsible for helping you figure out how to solve the problem. But I’m not responsible for solving the problem for you.”
Parents’ responsibilities should be setting rules in the family and guiding their child when necessary. Having done that, they should hold their kids accountable for those rules by giving them effective consequences. As a parent, you have to accept that the rest is up to your child.
3. Stop worrying. The more we think about our children’s future, the more our anxiety increases. We begin to worry that we are not doing a good job as parents. We worry that we don’t know what to do to get them under our control.
Most often, the reason why parents feel angry is because of fear, pain and frustration. Many parents are afraid that their children will take the wrong path and stray from doing what is right. Sometimes our anger is a fearful reaction to the uncertainty we have about our children’s future.
The psychological term “thinking errors” refer to thoughts we have in our head that do not match reality, and are usually negative and self-defeating. One of these thinking errors is our natural tendency to assume the worst possible outcome in a given situation. In reality, things rarely turn out as bad as we imagine them to be.
Therefore, when dealing with your child, stay in your box and focus on what you can do in the present. The future is up to your child and you do not have control over it, no matter how hard you try. If you allow yourself to try, your anxiety will grow, and things become worse for both of you.
4. Manage your emotions when conflict arises. Say to yourself: “This time, I’m not getting into an argument with him/her. I’m not giving her permission to push my buttons. I’m not going to react to her behaviour. I’m going to step back. I’m going to take a deep breath.”
Words to say to yourself when you feel anger arising include “Stop”, “breathe”, “slow down”. Ask “Is this so important?”, “Does it really matter?” Use words that help you to stay in control of your anger. Take a deep breath when you feel your feelings escalating and take a moment to think things through.
There is a big difference between responding and reacting. When you respond, you are taking time to think about what you want to say. When you react, you are merely displaying your immediate emotions, which most likely would be an outburst of emotions.
5. Try to visualise a positive relationship with your child. You can try to imagine what you would like your relationship with your child five or 10 years from now. Ask yourself, “Is how I’m responding to my child now going to help me have the relationship that I want? Is my response going to help me reach my goal?”
Doing that does not mean you give in to your child’s improper behaviour. It simply means that you treat your child with respect, the way you want her to treat you; talk to your child the way you would want your child to talk to you.
In conclusion, there is a need to stay objective, and master your thinking process. The thinking process itself helps us to calm down. That state of calmness is where we achieve “zero anger”, thus resulting us to responding thoughtfully rather than simply reacting.
Someone once said, “Response comes from the word responsibility.” Managing our anger is taking responsibility for how we want to act rather than giving in to a knee-jerk reaction. If we can get our thinking out in front of our emotions, we are going to do better as parents.
Q: I have already decided I will let it go, but the offence keeps playing in my mind. I have prayed, pleaded the Blood, etc, but it won’t leave me. What do I do?
A: You first need to acknowledge your emotions about the offence done to you and how they affect your behaviour. Choose to move away from the feeling that you are a victim and forgive the person who offended you.
Sometimes it is not easy to let go of your anger and resentment when hurt and damage are inflicted on you. It is important that you process those feelings and not suppress them. Like every other feelings, there is often a root cause to resentment. When experiencing such emotions, it may actually be pointing you towards something you need to acknowledge.
Although it is important to let it go and forgive, you need to know that sometimes one cannot just turn resentment off like a button.
Anger is a reaction to a perceived threat, which means it can trigger our fight-or-flight response. So while the offence keeps playing in your mind, perhaps you can be honest with it and try to embrace it. The feeling of resentment may not go away immediately, therefore the ability to express your feelings will help you to regulate them in a healthy way. Think of ways to regulate your thoughts and emotions, for example, people write down their thoughts and emotions. It is helpful to try to pinpoint your triggers too.
You can also find healthy distractions to aid in regulating your emotions. This is different from burying your feelings and pretending they don’t exist. If you’re angry and need to calm down before you can really process, it’s okay to rely on things such as snuggling with your pet, laughing with a friend, or watching a TV show. If you feel a little bit better (or at least refreshed) afterward, it is a good indicator that you are managing your resentment without hiding from it.
It can also help to adjust the way you think. Often, people believe that every problem has a solution. This belief can add to our frustration when we find out that this isn’t always the case. The best things, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but to concentrate on how you handle and face the problem.
Make a plan—like praying for and wanting the best for the person who offended you—and resolve to give it your best. However, do not be hard and punish yourself if you find negative emotions coming back even after doing your best to let go of that offence.
After processing your thoughts and emotions, you may consider talking to the person who offended you. In doing so, try to use “I” statements instead of accusations when trying to get your point across.
It is important not to let resentment steal joy away from you or impair your ability to function fully in life. If you find that the same resentment persists, consider speaking with a counsellor or seek professional help. If you need help getting professional help, speak to your cell group leader or pastoral supervisor.
