Answering The Call To Becoming A Foster Parent

Fostering children means providing a temporary home for vulnerable children. Volunteers with City Harvest Church’s foster care ministry CityHomes tell us what being a foster parent, or a befriender of foster children, is like. 

The late, great Billy Graham once said, “Nothing can bring a real sense of security into the home except true love.”

In 2021, CityHomes, a foster care initiative, was launched during the reboot of City Harvest Church’s Church Without Walls movement. Unlike adoption, foster care is a temporary arrangement to meet the emergency care needs of a child, until he is ready to return to his family.

An executive secretary with CHC, Dawn Lee oversees the CityHomes initiative. The idea came about when she chanced upon an interview where the subject talked about fostering, and she brought the idea of initiating a foster care ministry to executive pastor Sun and Eileen Toh, who oversees Church Without Walls. Both women were very supportive of the idea.

“I shared that we have many godly and healthy families in our church,” says Dawn. “Many of our members have grown up here, married and started families, and their children are well-integrated into our youth ministry. Fostering has a direct impact on children below 18 years old who need an interim home. Coincidentally, during that season in 2021, I also met CHC members who were working in the Ministry of Social and Family Development (MSF) and foster care agencies in Singapore, and they affirmed my desire to start something in CHC. I think the timing was divine. Shortly after, Pastor Kong (Hee) launched the CWW initiatives in September and CityHomes was birthed as one of the initiatives.”

THE PROCESS OF BECOMING FOSTER PARENTS

Since its first online Foster Care Awareness session in October 2021, the ministry has recruited 11 pairs of foster parents, with two pairs awaiting approval. In December of that year, CityHomes worked with Epworth Foster Care to distribute Christmas presents to 80 foster children. The team collected 80 wishes from these children and invited CHC members to adopt those wishes, buying and delivering the presents to these children. Epworth is also the agency facilitating the application process for potential foster parents who signed up with CityHomes.

Dawn shared that the application process was not an easy one. “Many foster parents may start off having a burden and sign up. But the process is long and tedious. Some may drop out or withdraw when they don’t make it through the interview or fail the home inspection process.”

Joshua Lok, 40, a civil servant and Emily Tan, 35, an executive assistant, were the first pair of foster parents to receive approval. They started their fostering journey in 2022.

Emily tells City News, “When Joshua and I first heard about the ministry, we decided to sign up because in the same way Jesus gave us a second chance in life, we wanted to give the foster kids a second chance and help them reach their full potential. The action of giving and helping is a gift in itself. Being able to bring healing into a child’s life when he comes from a background of brokenness is an opportunity to heal the brokenness in his world.”

After Joshua and Emily submitted their application, the lengthy process began. MSF-appointed assessors interviewed them to assess their suitability to be foster parents over two intensive sessions lasting two to three hours. They had to undergo medical checkups including chest X-rays, and their home had window grilles, a prerequisite for those wanting to care for children below 13 years of age. Part of the interview process was also to find out the parenting style of the potential foster parents and how their own parents parented and disciplined them.

“One of the questions they asked us was, ‘How did you feel when you were caned by your parents?’ My first thought was, ‘How would I remember something like that from 30 years ago?’ I learned that foster parents cannot use physical punishment on foster children under their care. This rule is sacrosanct. As most foster children come from homes with child abuse issues, using physical punishment may remind them of their past, causing them to feel hurt or threatened. So physical or any other forms of punishment are not allowed in foster homes.”

Other than the interviews, assessments and medical checkups, potential foster parents are required to attend two series of mandatory trainings held at the Social Service Institute at Tiong Bahru, to learn skills such as helping children with trauma and attachment issues, or with emotional and behavioural needs. Each series of four-hour-long lessons took place every Saturday morning for five weeks.

For the second pair of foster parents who just started fostering in August this year, the training sessions provided a solution they had been looking for. Adrian, 48, a business development manager and Jane, 47, are now fostering a two-month-old baby boy, but their approval took a long time because of the requirements for foster homes to be fitted with grilles throughout the house.

When Adrian and Jane first heard about CityHomes during service, there was a divine moment where they glanced at each other at the same time. They decided to sign up with the ministry that same day. Now, things seemed to be falling in place and they had received in-principal approval—all that was missing was the issue of the window grilles.

Jane said candidly, “I told Adrian at least five times that installing grilles over in the living room is a no. For other parts of our home, we have invisible grilles on the balcony, but not here because of my planter box. It’s the perfect spot for my plants to receive morning sun, and for me to water them.”

Installing grilles in their living room would require major remodelling works on the ceiling and walls, not to mention the fact that the grilles would jut out at least 100mm from the window. Yet, without those grilles, their application to be foster parents would never be approved.

Adrian tried to find a compromise. “We requested to change the window panel in the living room to a lockable type. We even had a contractor come by and got Epworth together to discuss and then seek MSF’s approval, but it was a strict no to our request.”

Jane then made a prayer to God. “I said, ‘God, if You really want me to foster, convince me.’ And I heard Him ask me, ‘Can you love my child, just as you love Me?’ At that moment, I was fully convinced. I shifted all my plants to another planter box and gave away one beautiful plant to make way for the permanent grille.”

God had another surprise in store for Adrian and Jane. At one of the training sessions, they met a couple who told them about a simpler type of grille, which did not require them to do major remodelling works.

WHEN GOD CALLS, HE PROVIDES

While the process of matching a family to the foster child usually takes a while, Joshua and Emily received a call to take in a 4-year-old girl right after the first series of training they completed.

Emily says, “We had to make some sacrifices and adjustments. I gave up the room that I used as a home office to be used as a room for our foster girl, Joy (not her real name). We do not head out too late because she goes to bed by 8pm. When she first came to us, she spoke with a slur and couldn’t enunciate certain words properly.  Because she could not express herself and regulate her emotions, she threw tantrums and had meltdowns almost daily in the initial stages of fostering. It took us a while to guide and educate her on expressing herself, regulating her emotions and learning self-control. We put in place a predictable structure in our home. We also acknowledged her feelings while remaining firm on rules. Over time, she has had fewer meltdowns and is better able to regulate her emotions.”

With the challenges also come breakthroughs. Emily shares a testimony of one such victory: “When Joy first came, we had to keep the door open and leave a bright night light on in her room. We told her that she did not need to fear at night, and that God was always with her and in her room. Now, she wears an eye mask to sleep, with the door closed. When she wakes up feeling fearful, she remembers that God is with her and that she can come and find us.

“Such small victories are truly worth celebrating. In Ephesians 1:5, the Bible tells us that ‘God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him pleasure.’ Just as God found joy in adopting us into His family, there is joy in fostering which should be celebrated. Our love for God has deepened and we have seen God’s love in a different light. With much love we have received, then only we can give love to our foster girl because God is love.”

A strong support system is important for foster parents as well. For Adrian and Jane, their immediate family and cell group have been encouraging and helpful, although there were some friends who did not really understand why they wanted to be foster parents. When their cell group was informed about their foster baby, the members excitedly helped to source for the baby cot, carrier and car seat. With the cell group’s help, all the necessary items were in place within four days.

“God never calls the qualified, but He qualifies the called. He is Jehovah Jireh and has provided everything we needed, through people around us. We’ve also gotten a glimpse of what unconditional love is. We don’t have our own children, and this baby boy will eventually go back to his biological parents. We do struggle with whether we should get too attached to him. But we just love him, pray and trust that God will take care of him even after the one-year placement with us.”

For Joshua and Emily, it was a challenge for them to love and care for a child that was not their own, with the end goal of returning them to their biological parents. Their journey was made a little easier through the help of CityFamilies. “It can only be through the love of God that we are doing what we are doing now. Thankfully, the parenting workshops organised by CityFamilies played a huge part in guiding us on how to bring up our kid in a godly way, as the sessions provided practical advice and real-life examples.”

BEFRIENDING THE FOSTER CHILDREN

Other than foster parents, there are another group of people who are important in the fostering process: foster child befrienders. These befrienders also go through the same interview process and similar training as the foster parents because they are interacting with vulnerable children.

Lim Shi Ling, 24, is one of the befrienders in CityHomes. “Having grown up in a high-conflict home environment, I know that it is not easy to navigate the feelings, questions, and ambiguity. As a child, I often wished that there was someone like a big sister to help me in difficult situations. I know that there are more dysfunctional families in society today, and when the initiative was announced, I felt the burden from God for me to be a friend or mentor to the kids. I used to serve in HarvestKidz and I enjoy interacting with any kid I see, especially my cell group leader’s kids every weekend.”

Befrienders have to go through a 30-minute phone call sharing and introduction session, and attend a one-day training by Zoom and an hour-long Zoom meeting during which they have to answer behavioural and situational questions.  Security checks are also done on the befrienders’ backgrounds.

“Although it was exhausting, the training and sharing gave me a better understanding on what are some of the challenges the kids are facing and the root cause behind it,” says Shi Ling. “The trainer also gave us a case study and we discussed different approaches on how to deal with difficult situations. It was very relevant and applicable, and I felt more comfortable handling unexpected situations or emotional outbursts. I also know that I have a strong support system if I ever encounter tough situations.”

Shi Ling has started to befriend a 7-year-old, whom she describes as “bubbly”’. Their bi-monthly outings are known as “alone time with jie jie (big sister)” and activities range from playing at the playground and walking around the mall to visiting Gardens by the Bay.

She adds, “I have a group chat with the foster parents and agency coordinator to give and receive quick updates. Once, before a meet-up with the child, the foster parents informed me that the child had had a meltdown in the morning and might not be in a good mood during my visit. Such updates are important as they give me a heads-up and allow me to better prepare for my interaction with the child.”

Though befrienders do not interact daily with foster children, they still play an important role in helping them build healthy relationships through meaningful interactions. Shi Ling shares, “At my first outing with the child, we went to a nearby park to fly a kite. Five minutes into the session, the kite dropped into the canal and he had a full meltdown. He said, ‘I’m so stupid for making such a mistake’ and desperately wanted to retrieve the kite. My heart broke when I heard him make such remarks about himself. I felt the Lord wanted me to be there to reassure him that he is very loved. A stranger then approached us and offered to help retrieve the kite from the canal! I felt he was really God-sent, and at that moment I felt so loved by God as well, because He saved me from this tricky situation, and also showed me that He loves this child too.”

Dawn has a vision for CityHomes. “Statistics show that children grow best in a home environment. That’s the vision of CityHomes, to find a spiritual home environment for these children. My goal is to form a support group in CHC for these foster parents and to keep conducting fostering and befriending sharing sessions. Every sharing session is a seed-sowing session. Like the Bible says in Ecclesiastes 11:6, ‘Sow your seed in the morning, and at evening let your hands not be idle, for you do not know which will succeed, whether this or that, or whether both will do equally well.’ Just like sharing the gospel, my responsibility is to keep sharing about fostering and when the time is right, the seed will bear forth fruits in due season. I thank God that CityHomes has provided me with this platform to share about fostering.

If you want to know more about fostering or are interested in signing up to be a befriender, please email Dawn Lee at dawnlee@chc.org.sg.